Capitalism does not equate to freedom

Wow. I get it. More than ever, I get it. The frustration of poverty. Jess and I have been living primarily on my income. I'll just say it, it's not working. We have been trying to stay here in the hopes of a promising future with trader joe's, but that's looking less and less possible each day. The welfare office has continually dropped the ball on our food stamps for the last 3 months. We have still been receiving aid from them, but only 200 dollars a month, which doesn't do much for a full time working male and a pregnant woman in monterey county. It only lasts about 2 weeks. I have been slightly bummed the last few days because for the first time in my life I won't be able to spend xmas with ANY of my blood family. I do have a new little family to enjoy, but I can barely afford to take her out for dinner and a movie. (well technically I can't afford it, hence credit cards) I have racked my brain trying to find additional forms of income but short of illegal activities, it has yielded nothing but frustration. This brings me to my soap box. Its f'n pathetic that a man, an educated adaptable man, can work his ass off 40 hrs a week and still not make enough to support himself or his family. Years ago, while in the safety of small town Kansas I would have told someone like me, "go get a better job." Well the fact of the matter is, there isn't a better job. Not here. If it wasn't for my KS safe haven I would be screwed. I can't imagine coming to this country as an undocumented worker and making it on 6 dollars an hour (I'm making 10). It's no wonder they have to live 20 to a house. Anybody who knocks an immigrant should be kicked in the nuts. We should be worshiping them. Sure that's strong language, but hell, with all the crap they go through to make their way here, they deserve a strong defense. I feel like a spoiled baby in comparison. I can't imagine sharing our tiny apartment with 2 even 3 other people. I'm sure it could happen, but talk about patients. I guess it would help if they were family.

Anyways, all this leads me to my point.

It's back to the drawing board. I don't think we have made a mistake by doing what we have been doing as it has produced a lot of growth for the both of us, but it might be a mistake to continue this way.

a. after rent/bills we have 150 dollars a month spending money. This wont even cover the difference food stamps miss.

b. if and when little expenses like a car battery or doctors bill arises, we have to seriously contemplate whether it will cut into our food money.

c. There is a good hope for a promotion, but no guarantee. I don't really feel comfortable gambling for the next six months on this.

d. We need almost 5g to pay for a birth. We don't have a way to come up with this, period.

So, what are our options.

a. I continue our plan, suffer credit card debit and beg/borrow from every family member. NO.

b. I somehow talk my boss into a promotion starting now, or a significant pay raise... not likely.

c. I quit and we move back to KC where I try to find some sort of work, and we rapidly prepare for Noah in April... possible/difficult/do-able.

d. We follow our dream that we have been suppressing and take off on the road in a converted bus. Find work along the way, get donated food like our friends Max and Rachel have been doing and eventually settle somewhere. We are thinking somewhere in AZ. Here's a link to their blog if you're curious about their story http://autonomecollective.org/ollie/about/ I met them outside of work one nite and let them use our showers for the nite. They are awesome people. (before you start to knock this idea, just open your mind and entertain it, or google it and see how others are doing it)

I have spent the last three days mulling over these options. This was all onset by a series of financial struggles, and the cold reality that TJ's is transforming into another corporation founded on cheap labor. I have lost my trust in them. I am thinking our most secure option is c, but there are ways of going about d. I could possibly get a transfer to AZ with TJ's, keep our insurance long enough to have the baby and save money. Then we could move onto the next community etc. Or we could just stay here, live rent free, use that money for the baby, and bounce after he is born.

All of these are just options and I'm not going to whimsically decide on any of them without serious consideration of consequences and discussions with family. It's just where we are at.

I know things will work out as they have thus far. I just have to put my ears out there and listen. Some of this was written in fear and its companion anger, but when I center myself I know we will find a way.

Ok, gotta go to bed. If you can't tell this has been really hard to write due to drowsiness. goodnite