It's a Kicker!

Note: Feeling your kid kick for the first time is a trip. Today is the third time, but it's still a trip.

Noah and I are definitely gonna get along because he goes crazy-ninja-bicycle-kickin when Jess eats PB&J. I have lived on PB&J for the last 5 years.

Well that's it. I'm kind of speechless. I can't believe this is reality. I know the rabbit hole is just going to keep getting deeper.

Oh, we are leaving tomorrow night or Saturday morning. Look forward to seeing all you Kansas folk. Will miss all you Cali dudes. Well, I know Diego is the only one who will read this from Cali. So, I'll miss you Diego! If you are the true surfer dude that you appear to be, then you are a awesome representative for the stereotype, AND a great guy. A lot of people may be pushy and superficial out here, but you're not one of them. K, gonna finish packing.

Lewis Black

"If you don't have a funny story to tell then your life sucks, and you should get a new one." -Lewis Black

We watched a video autobiography of Lewis Black tonight. This statement rang through my mind but was shortly forgotten in the blur of attention deficit disorder that TV instills. Ha. It just popped back into my mind a few minutes ago as I sat on the couch inventorying the moment.

I look around me and see nothing but moving boxes, again. I wondered for a split second if I am living my life incorrectly. I am always impressed by those tenets who stay in a apartment for 5 years or more. Hell 2 years would be a record for me. For that matter, I have also never worked the same job for more than 10 months at one stretch. I have worked the same job for four summers, or one job for a year and a half with a 1 year break in the middle. I know, I know, "You're so young, you have plenty of time to explore etc etc etc." I get that. I'm not knocking my decisions, I'm not putting others on pedestals... That's why I said, "I wondered for a split second..." I have seen a lot of tenured employees who are miserable and are feeling like they are the ones missing out. I have also seen a lot who are very happy. None of that is my point. My point is that I have lived differently than a lot of people, and I'm pretty happy with it so far. I might get to KC, love my new job, buy a house, get a mini van, join the PTA and die in the suburbs. Or, I might work this job tell we save some money, buy a bus, and head out on the road in search of other nouns. I do have some good stories. Things have been extremely difficult at times, but when I just keep walking it all works out.

Our place in Monterey when it was all setup.

The view... not too shabby eh?

I don't really have much else other than the fact that I am excited to be out on another adventure. Excited to give living in KC a shot. Excited to find a cool lil house that fits us. Excited to get settled and find a midwife. Excited to bring my son into the world. Excited to find/explore new lifestyles like organic urban farming, and renewable energy. (both on our agenda)

Here are two things that have been inspiring us lately.

1. 'The Beautiful Truth' a movie about Dr. Max Gerson's teachings on how to cure basically anything through nutrition. RENT/STEAL/BORROW THIS FILM. It presents the problem and actually presents the solution too! We are going to be trying it out soon.

2. Our dream house. Who knows if we will do something like this, but when I found it the conversation went like this...

Ben - "Oh baby! You gotta see this house!"

Jess (from the other room) "Bring it here, what's it look like?"

Ben - "Like the house from 'Father of the Bride."

Jess - "Oh my god, I always dreamed of living in that house when I was a little girl!"

Ben - "Me too... except I was a little boy..."

I'm glad we like the same things.

http://kansascity.craigslist.org/reb/2098015967.html

our xmas card

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCUXOe5ENpg

u might have to turn the computer sideways...

plan b

First of all, sorry for that bummer post last time...

So, looks like I'll be coming back to KC soon! Bout 2 weeks. A friend of mine that I've known since I was 4 got me on with Asphlunda (spelling?) starting next month. It's a solid job for now and just the sort of thing we need to get on our feet. I feel really lucky.

We are super excited for low rent and seeing ol' friends/family. Plus, even though we wont have big sur or the beach in our backyard, we will have plenty of affordable/good restaurants and a real music scene. We will prolly be back in town sometime around the 10th.

Not sure where this whole gig will lead us, but I'm excited to find out. We are still planning on getting a bus and fixing it up for road trips and possible moving periods. That prolly wont come to life until after Noah joins us and gets comfortable. We are looking at houses in the westport/plaza area. It's weird to see houses renting for a third of what they are here. I'll also be making a great deal more working with Chris. Plus, there is a ton of midwifes in the KC area. Way more than "progressive CA." Strange right? (I could get off on a whole tangent about my disappointments with CA, but they are solely my experiences and could mostly be my fault. I don't know, I haven't had enough time to process what has happened.) I have met some great people here, and learned some important lessons. It will be a bittersweet thing to leave. Very strange to think that I haven't seen the Kansas prairie in 5 months. I feel pathetic for saying this, but this is by far the longest I have been away from it. However, CA is such a time warp that it feels like it's been 20 yrs since i left but at the same time like it just happened. I don't know if that makes sense. I can't think of words right now. It feels like forever ago and just yesterday all at the same time... there...

I'm glad my parents will get to hold Noah the same day he is born. I'm glad I'll get to pass Noah to his great grandfather that day too. I'm glad he'll get to meet his genius uncle without having to catch a flight.

People who know my story are always asking me how I'm doing. I might have used this analogy on here before, but I feel like Alice. The rabbit hole started somewhere back over a year ago and has gotten weirder and weirder. I have moments everyday where I think to myself, "Is this really my life?" Luckily, it's in a good way.

I don't know if I have truly matured, grown or evolved as I had so hoped, but I do know a few things.

1. I have an amazing family. This has been proven to me over and over the last few years. My mom dad and brother are the only people I have kept in continual contact with over the last five months. We all have our faults, and we all misunderstand each other from time to time, but they are the ones who have shown me unconditional love. They are the ones who have always been there for me. I have learned that anytime I have a big thing on my mind, my brother is the best person to figure it out with. I literary would not be alive right now without them. That may sound dramatic, but it's completely true.

2. I won't always know the answer, but I will always be moving towards some answer whether I like it or not.

3. Kansas isn't so bad and California isn't Zion. They both have there positives and negatives.

4. Completely cliche, but when the list is looking too long, just start with the first thing. (thanks Jess)

5. There are some things in life that you just have to stand up and face.

6. Never believe I am cornered.

7. Weather that never varies has a twighlight zone effect on me.

8. Life is the constant melding and breaking of my the energy I control, and the universes. (You can substitute Will for the word "energy" and god/everything-else for "universe" if that helps)

Merry Christmas everyone.

Capitalism does not equate to freedom

Wow. I get it. More than ever, I get it. The frustration of poverty. Jess and I have been living primarily on my income. I'll just say it, it's not working. We have been trying to stay here in the hopes of a promising future with trader joe's, but that's looking less and less possible each day. The welfare office has continually dropped the ball on our food stamps for the last 3 months. We have still been receiving aid from them, but only 200 dollars a month, which doesn't do much for a full time working male and a pregnant woman in monterey county. It only lasts about 2 weeks. I have been slightly bummed the last few days because for the first time in my life I won't be able to spend xmas with ANY of my blood family. I do have a new little family to enjoy, but I can barely afford to take her out for dinner and a movie. (well technically I can't afford it, hence credit cards) I have racked my brain trying to find additional forms of income but short of illegal activities, it has yielded nothing but frustration. This brings me to my soap box. Its f'n pathetic that a man, an educated adaptable man, can work his ass off 40 hrs a week and still not make enough to support himself or his family. Years ago, while in the safety of small town Kansas I would have told someone like me, "go get a better job." Well the fact of the matter is, there isn't a better job. Not here. If it wasn't for my KS safe haven I would be screwed. I can't imagine coming to this country as an undocumented worker and making it on 6 dollars an hour (I'm making 10). It's no wonder they have to live 20 to a house. Anybody who knocks an immigrant should be kicked in the nuts. We should be worshiping them. Sure that's strong language, but hell, with all the crap they go through to make their way here, they deserve a strong defense. I feel like a spoiled baby in comparison. I can't imagine sharing our tiny apartment with 2 even 3 other people. I'm sure it could happen, but talk about patients. I guess it would help if they were family.

Anyways, all this leads me to my point.

It's back to the drawing board. I don't think we have made a mistake by doing what we have been doing as it has produced a lot of growth for the both of us, but it might be a mistake to continue this way.

a. after rent/bills we have 150 dollars a month spending money. This wont even cover the difference food stamps miss.

b. if and when little expenses like a car battery or doctors bill arises, we have to seriously contemplate whether it will cut into our food money.

c. There is a good hope for a promotion, but no guarantee. I don't really feel comfortable gambling for the next six months on this.

d. We need almost 5g to pay for a birth. We don't have a way to come up with this, period.

So, what are our options.

a. I continue our plan, suffer credit card debit and beg/borrow from every family member. NO.

b. I somehow talk my boss into a promotion starting now, or a significant pay raise... not likely.

c. I quit and we move back to KC where I try to find some sort of work, and we rapidly prepare for Noah in April... possible/difficult/do-able.

d. We follow our dream that we have been suppressing and take off on the road in a converted bus. Find work along the way, get donated food like our friends Max and Rachel have been doing and eventually settle somewhere. We are thinking somewhere in AZ. Here's a link to their blog if you're curious about their story http://autonomecollective.org/ollie/about/ I met them outside of work one nite and let them use our showers for the nite. They are awesome people. (before you start to knock this idea, just open your mind and entertain it, or google it and see how others are doing it)

I have spent the last three days mulling over these options. This was all onset by a series of financial struggles, and the cold reality that TJ's is transforming into another corporation founded on cheap labor. I have lost my trust in them. I am thinking our most secure option is c, but there are ways of going about d. I could possibly get a transfer to AZ with TJ's, keep our insurance long enough to have the baby and save money. Then we could move onto the next community etc. Or we could just stay here, live rent free, use that money for the baby, and bounce after he is born.

All of these are just options and I'm not going to whimsically decide on any of them without serious consideration of consequences and discussions with family. It's just where we are at.

I know things will work out as they have thus far. I just have to put my ears out there and listen. Some of this was written in fear and its companion anger, but when I center myself I know we will find a way.

Ok, gotta go to bed. If you can't tell this has been really hard to write due to drowsiness. goodnite

Mid-day update

Typically I write at nite when the moons glow and lack of mental power causes me to go into soul flow mode. I typically just spew words from the heart without much thought as to what I'm saying. When I write during the day it's a little different. Jess tends to have diarrhea of the mouth during the day so there is a constant background convo going on between her and any object in the room. I call it kitty cat mode. It's really quite humorous, but makes for a different concentration level in my head.

As of late I have been in dream mode. Dreaming of what will happen when/if we make it back to KC. Dreaming of what we will do if things don't work out with TJ's. It has been cloudy/rainy here lately, hence daydream city. Not only that but this $1100 rent has stapled us to the couch. We could go do a lot free out doors things, but we have been lazy in the cloudy mornings and don't get the gumption up till it's time for me to goto work. We can't really afford going to the movie or eating out. When I lived in KS I ate out once a day. Typically ate for less than $5 a meal, because I knew the wait staff or was a bargain hunter. Monterey is a different scene though. A burger and fries at the local restaurant will run you $15 after tea and tip. Jess and I eat out maybe once a month now.

However, I'm not necessarily complaining about this. It's more healthy, and we have been having fun in the kitchen. It has been a big relationship builder for us. I used to go walking, or cook to free my mind of worries and let things straighten out enough to breath easy. It seems this same technique works for relationships too. I'm not just talking bout baby momma situations either. :)

This spring when I began trying to let my father into my life more I did the same thing. I invited him to town for lunch. When he got there I told him to park the car, we were gonna walk. He looked at me kind of funny since we usually drove the mile to downtown, but I frequently have strange ideas so he rolled with it. (he usually rolls with things anyways, super easy going) The 20 minute walk ended up being one of the best conversations I'd had with my dad in years. I have no idea what we talked about, but there was an ease to the relationships. We were equals. Just two guys walking down the street. It was an equal playing field. I wasn't worried about impressing him, and he wasn't worried about saving the day. He was just my dad.

Moral of the story, you simplify one thing, it tends to simplify other things too. Also, getting back to nature tends to help things, like relationships, take a natural flow.

"You have to love yourself before you can learn to love others." Thank god for all those lonesome walks and meals-for-one.

Separate note. I want to start building hay bail houses when I come back to KC. They are super efficient and cheap. My current dream is to have some land in NW Arkansas. Land with a spring, maple trees, and farm-able soil. I'll build my hay bail community and live sustainably. Start my own tribe. 10-20 ppl.

(meanwhile)

This has been Jessica's cat nip for the last twenty minutes. It's pretty funny.

http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/gf8siTvcYkOMGtim

Manifest

So I guess 4 and a half years of undergraduate (without graduating) paid off. This story all started about 3 weeks ago. I went on the Trader Joe's website to sign up for my insurance. After doing so I browsed the website for crew members as I had not done this yet and there was a lot of info. I noticed one tab about becoming a "fulltimer." (fulltime is the term the company uses for managers) As I have been aspiring to become a fulltimer I read the blip about becoming one and followed a 'click here' link. The link took me to a application of sorts. It asked me my two favorite things about TJ's, what my two strengths are at TJ's, and two areas I could improve upon. It allowed me 800 characters per answer. I didn't really think anyone would read it (was actually nervous to fill it out because I thought I might be going over my bosses head) but I was bored and in a writing mood so I did them. I didn't really write like my history professors taught me. I didn't really write like my English teachers taught me, or my geography/aviation/education teachers. (each discipline has a different writing style) Instead, I wrote like college taught me. College taught me adaptation. I bounced through 4 majors in 4 years. This means I not only became multifaceted, but I became camouflaged. Just like any academic discipline, TJ's has its own writing style. They use very colorful visionary words in their flyers and signs. Instead of saying "the wine has a sharp taste," they would say "the Cabernet rolls off the palate but jumps back in at the last minute for a sharp bite, like tart strawberries in early spring." Anyways, I used this poetic jargin and felt pretty sharp. I organized what I felt to be pretty well written responses and submitted them. I expected them to be lost in TJ's inbox of thousands upon thousands of hungry young crew members. Needless to say, I forgot all about it by the next day. Fast forward one week. A series of bills and one or two late notices pushed my mind into another mode. I spent last thursday wondering if I have been doing the right thing for the last two months. Both Jess and I have basically invested our near futures in TJ's. We have sold most of our possessions over craigslist just to stay in California. We live on food stamps. I make just enough to cover rent and bills. She makes just enough to cover her bills. We have a baby due in 5 months. We have a lot on our plate. We have been trying so hard to stay here because everyone of my bosses say that I have a really bright future in the company. I genuinely enjoy my job. Sounds like a promising match right? Well, after enough bills etc, I started to doubt this investment. I didn't really know if I would ever get a transfer to KC where we could make it on my present wage. I didn't really know if I would ever get moved up and no longer require food stamps. I did what I always do when I need a sound idea, I called my brother. We spoke for a hour or so. We tossed around some entrepreneurial ideas we have been having. We discussed my options. The conclusion we came to was that I would need to have a job setup in KC before we went back. Not 5 seconds after I hung up the phone I received another call from my childhood best friend Chris Tidd. Chris and I have been playing phone tag for the last six months. It just so happened that the company he works for IN KC is looking to higher 1-2 guys at the first of the year. The job would be making nearly twice what I am making now and have a better 401k. Needless to say this was the 'answer to my prayers.' I thanked Chris and told him to put in the word. I talked it over with Jess. We agreed and planned out a way to go back, but by the end of the nite we still felt uneasy about the idea. There were just as many ''what if's.'' We agreed to take small steps in the direction of KC and wait to see what happened. Well, by the next day I was already debating when to break the news to my boss. That nite at work, my boss asked me to meet him for a talk in the backroom in thirty minutes. I spent the next thirty minutes with my mind racing. I had never had a talk with my boss in the backroom. My boss is known for being a ballbreaker, so this was anything but a comforting request. I replayed the previous week in my mind. I recalled each item I had miscalculated sales for, resulting in an empty shelf, and a small lost profit. I recalled the memorable customer experiences and inventoried myself for misspoken words. I couldn't really think of much I had done wrong so I worked away until the time came. As soon as we stepped out of the polished world of the "floor" and into the cardboard world of the "backroom" my boss said in a very sober tone, "So corporate sent me your emails today." The words caused my chest to seize. I felt as if I had been caught. I had gone over his head and there was gonna be hell to pay. I tried side stepping my insecurity and causally said, "Huh, I didn't think anyone read those things." While maintaining his undertaker composure he replied, "Oh yes, we are pretty good about catching those things. Anyways, corporate really liked them, and well, I did too!" Cue my state of shock. From there the rest is a little fuzzy. I don't really remember the order of what he would say next, but the jest of it was that they want to begin training me for a fulltime position in KC next year! All of this just 24 hrs after I decide that I don't know what the hell to do with my life and decide to just wait and see what unfolds. I never predicted that convo tho. I have only been working there for 4 months. It has taken every other fulltimer I have spoken with anywhere from 1-5 years to be promoted. Now, my promotion is not exactly official by any means, but I have a pretty damn good shot. I know that if I keep working like I do that I'll have it.

After reading back over that it doesn't really sound like that extraordinary of a story. However, if you stop to think about the timing of Chris and I finally connecting, me giving up on TJ's, and my boss offering me what I have been aiming for, it feels like a miracle. What are the odds of that all playing out by chance? I have not once seriously thought about cutting and running from trader joe's until that nite. I hadn't spoke to Chris in months. I hadn't really even spoke to my boss in months. I even filled those essays out on a whim! If you don't find that timing to be miraculous then please speak up because I am not making the picture clear.

Now, I really don't believe that god lined this all up for me. To say it/he/she did would be a lil self-centered of me, and would void every other persons right to free will. However, I do believe that it is possible to send your/my energies out into the world and influence things.

I have been dead set on getting a chance at this promotion. I don't believe in luck. Set yourself on what you want and go for it.

I'll explain my next goal next time.