Goodbye Westfalia

Shortly after jumping off the high dive (moving to CA) I decided I was going to live out of a van... Well, ok, I didn't just decide that. It was a culmination of the high cost of living, a low income, and a desire to be nomadic. I liked the simplistic way of life and wanted to give it a shot while I could. I had some extra money in the bank, was looking for an apartment and thought "Might as well try this now. I'm in the perfect climate, I don't have any responsibilities except for going to work, and I have figured all the angles." I originally looked around at Chevy StepVans. You can Google that if you have never heard of one. They are like what UPS uses for deliveries. I wanted one of those because it would be about the same size as a apartment out here, and I could "stealth" park. (that is park any where in town without the authorities bothering you about being a vagabond) I couldn't find a reliable enough stepvan in my price range but VW Vanagons are all over the place out here. I found one in the price range, and since it already had the stove, fridge, cabinets, and bed built in, I went for it. I had a membership lined up at the gym for showers and bath needs. I did my toiletries at work. I had no problem cooking on the range and sink. I had a comfy mattress. Best of all I had million dollar views! I would drive down Hwy 1 a bit until I found a beautiful landing spot. Then I would pull off the highway a bit, setup camp, and live like a king. Now don't get me wrong, it did have its limitations. I was definitely at the will of the gym. I always had to be smart about where I parked. If I parked in town I couldn't pop the top (allowing for me to stand up). However, it was rent free, and I was a nomad. I moved into it and lived free range for about four days, and then Noah arrived. :) Well didn't really arrive yet, but his presence was discovered. That was late august.

Talk about change of focus. By the next day I was getting ready to sell the van. I was on a mission to find a place big enough for Jess and I. We signed up for food stamps, medi-cal, and bought some prenatal vitamins. I lived in the van for a few more weeks until I found an apartment in a nice area of Monterey.

I sold the van today. It's funny, the van represented this dream I have had for the last few years. This dream of being a nomadic explorer. Living where I wanted. Skimming by under the radar. Living on the bare minimum. I would think I would be bummed out about getting rid of it, but I'm not. There is still little remnants of that dream lingering about in my plans, but I don't know if the plan will be that radical again anytime soon. Jess and I both like to move every 2 or 3 years. We both would even like to move overseas.

No, I really don't miss the van idea at all. The excitement of being a father grows more and more everyday. Jess and I grow more and more every day. I have so many things to be excited about each day I walk in the door. Granted, some moments are tough. Some moments I doubt myself. I wonder if I am making the right decisions with my career and our living situation. I get scared I won't be a good father. I worry I'll screw things up with Jess. But then a little boy and his father come through my line at work and I get so excited again. Or, I get another pat on the back and told that I'm going to be moving up in no time. Or, Jess and I tackle a problem as a team.

Summary: Life is tough right now. We are scrapping by in the hopes that Trader Joe's will take me somewhere. I remind myself that so many people have done so many tougher things. Jess helps keep my spirits up on my downer days and I would like to think I do the same on hers. I haven't really had any friends out here yet except for a couple of really good hearted co-workers. Even though I am 2k miles from my family I feel closer to them than ever. I will never forget my brother saying "You're one of the most decent people I know, I can't think of anyone that will make a better parent then you." I'll never forget my Mom freaking out and almost running off the road when I told her over the phone that it was a boy. I will never forget my dad's "yaht" when I asked him if was getting excited to be a grandfather. Or best of all, grandpa saying "Just make sure you name him something I can pronounce."

Recent life.

Just to kick this off on the right note I need to clarify some things.
1.Jessica has inspired me to start writing again, specifically with this blog thing. I have admired her honesty on her own blog and hope to share this outlet as well.
2. I am horrible with spelling and often lazy with my puncuation (this includes capitalization). Add the fact that I will typically be writing at 1-2am, after an 8 hr shift, and you can bet the results will be messy. Brace yo' self.

do dee do dee do... My recent life. To best summarize it I would have to say "love." Put away the images of cupid, the warm romantic notions and sappy Hallmark cards, I'm talking about functioning real life LOVE. Sure, the cloud 9 feeling of meeting a beautiful other can be part of love, but I don't believe that where the words stops.

Love has been one of my most facinating research topics over the last few years. I have come to find that it means all sorts of things to all sorts of people. Sure everyone says that they know what love is... but how can they really? I mean, how can one really say what love should be? For example, I can clearly define what the Tejava bottle is infront of me. "A glass vessel made to hold its contents in a sealed environment. " I think just about anyone would agree with that statement. Sure everyone would say it in other words, but at the end of the day it would be pretty clear to all the intended purpose of that bottle. Now bring this back to love. The concept. It can't be quantified, photographed, touched or even destroyed. It is a thought/feeling/understanding/ACTION/intention/life/ energy. It is up to each of us to define it. (this does have a relevance in my recent life)

This train of thought brings me to my current situation. For the last few years I have been asking myself what it is to love and be loved. I have had many a "aha!" moments only to forget what they were hours later. I tried fixing this by writing them down, but often found they no longer applied. They were single serving epiphanies. However, a few key elements have stuck with me and proved useful no matter the circumstances. (that's my definition of truth)
1. There is only one binding energy. Forget this good and bad nonsense. This Roman good vs. evil crap has got to go.
a. This philosophy of good and evil creates the "other." If you are the good, then they are the evil. The person who creates the "other" just separated the "other" party from humanity. The "other" is no longer seen as a human. They are now a word. Examples, a jew, a mexican, a whitey, a asshole, a bum, a homo, a bitch. By making a person a word you destroy life. You strip a person of the depth of humanity and leave them with a word. (that is if you define life as being the possibility for infinity) To say that a person is a bitch rids the possibility of them being a angel. If each human has free will, then they can not be defined as one or the other. They are capable of both. They are one and the same, not one or the other.
b. If that example doesn't clarify my justification of a single energy, then maybe this will. It is widely known that a battery has a positive and negative terminal. Up until my first 8th grade science class I thought a battery produced two currents, one being a positive wave, and the second being a negative wave. Mr. Hafner showed us that there was only one wave. One flow. The battery wasn't sending out two types of energy to power the light bulb, it was in fact sending out one wave from the negative terminal that went into the bulb, and came back through the positive terminal of the battery. Of course while the circuit was complete (that is, the wires were connected) the bulb used the energy to produce light via the illumination of the filament... You may be thinking, "ok, but how does that apply to that guy who was such a drag today? He was a big ol' ball of negative energy that drained me of any good feelings." My answer... He was the bulb. When you engaged him, whether with a glance, a few words, or a hug you made a connection. He received your flow. Your battery got ran down. He didn't infect you with some kind of alternative energy flow. He was a energy void (or had a lack of energy) and you gave it to him.
This 'single energy' concept can apply to anything. (send me an email if you would like to discuss it further) This relates to love in that I think it is the guts of the concept. It is my working explanation of the 'oneness' concept so many religions and great minds profess to.

2. When I really think about, all my other 'truths' about love stem from #1. The destruction of the "other" in my life allows me to approach situations without ego. Without ego I am free of the anger that typically comes with it. (the anger is because I don't always get what my ego wants) Whenever I approach things with the intention of working together, (after all, we are one) I find peace. This is applicable in traffic or in a passionate relationship. Think about it...

ALL OF THIS COMES BACK TO TODAY... :)

I have been applying my definition of Love to my workplace, my lover/best friend Jess, my family and that asshole in traffic. Of course, I frequently slip up and revert the my prior behaviors. But I am progressing. After all, I behaved like that for 23 years, I have only been practicing this for the last year. It will take some time to rewire my brain. Eventually, with enough effort, my knee jerk reactions will change for the better, but not disappear-- as this would mean I was dead. It's 415am... I should really go to bed.... I will talk more about my day to day life next time. Love ya.